


Cycles

by LoveIsGone



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 04:17:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9160948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveIsGone/pseuds/LoveIsGone
Summary: Minhyuk couldn't help but wonder if this meant what he had been dreading - that the terrible cycle of exercising, dieting, and self loathing was starting all over again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Had so many feelings based on Wonho's post and Minhyuk's response. I'm sorry. TT
> 
> This is not edited and likely contains a ton of mistakes.

It had never been a surprise to anyone that Hoseok set high expectations for himself, especially not to the members, who know that the confidence that he exudes on stage as Wonho was something that was easy to completely shatter. It wasn't that he was fragile, far from it, but there was a sensitivity to him that the others were acutely aware of. It was an ugly thing that caused anxiety and self doubt to latch onto him, darkening everything it touched.

For a while, at the beginning, Minhyuk had thought that the cycles of training and dieting that Hoseok put himself through were signs of dedication because of the absolute willingness to show himself off. He thought that his hyung's insistence on staying behind to practice their moves, booking in extra vocal lessons, staying up late to work on songs - that have yet to seen the light of day - was a sign of hard work because Hoseok would always give an easy smile despite all the late nights.

But the more that Minhyuk paid attention, the more he began to realize that every gesture, every word that gave them assurance were part of an act to cover for all of the insecurities that Hoseok hid inside of himself. And as comeback after comeback - all the performances, television appearnces, special stages, fan meets - wore on, he began to see the cracks in the older man's facade. As of late, it seemed that the turmoil that had been lurking beneath it all was pushing itself to the surface more and more.

Hoseok often looked withdrawn, distant, so different from the way he was when he first debuted. The freeness, smugness, cocksureness that he used to speak with slowly began to diminish and in its place walls came up. That which was warm slowly gave way to coldness, a distance that Minhyuk hated.

So, he tried to do what he was the best at doing, being the mood maker.

Minhyuk found himself sticking close to Hoseok, who didn't protest, especially when they had to be on broadcast. He wasn't sure if it was all worth it, for a while, especially seeing as how hard it was to pull the elder from his own thoughts at times. It was tiring - constantly being upbeat, always in each other's personal space - and sometimes, he wanted to give up, to put up a boundary between them so he could take some time to recharge before going back in with his efforts.

He admitted that there were days when he couldn't even stand to be around Hoseok, suddenly finding the familiarity of their clinginess with one another suffocating. He tried to keep his distance on those days. And if the older man looked a little hurt, he pretended as if he didn't notice, choosing to walk away instead of dwelling on the way Hoseok's smile would fall.

Minhyuk hated himself on those days, couldn't keep himself from cringing at how damn selfish he felt.

It was an absolute blow to him when Hoseok gave his heartfelt video message to them all. It utterly killed him when he realized just how much his hyung had relied on him, never blaming him for being irritated or keeping the other at arms length. It affected him so much that he couldn't keep from rushing over to Hoseok and pulling him into a tight hug, whispering into his ear words of assurance, of thanks.

He promised he would try harder to help pull Hoseok out of his head, to keep him grounded.

And for a while, it worked.

Minhyuk could see the way that Hoseok smiled easier. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that the older man was starting to fill out more again, muscles broadening his frame once more, face a little softer around the edges, closer to the way he looked during their debut. As the tension melted away, Hoseok began to look like himself again, even act like himself again. The easy words, the way he could joke and play with the others freely as he did before, made Minhyuk happier than he realized he could ever be.

But it was too good to last.

Nothing good ever seemed to last in their world.

-

It was supposed to be an easy performance, especially since the moves weren't as powerful or demanding as their usual choreography due to the slower nature of the song. But as he looked out of the periphery of his vision, he saw that Hoseok's movements suddenly became reserved, careful, almost awkward. It wasn't until they were backstage that he realized that Hoseok's pants had ripped at the crotch and he could feel himself cringe in sympathetic embarrassment.

The stylists were quick to blame Hoseok - because of the weight he had gained - as they rushed him into another pair of pants that were supposed to be for a different stage. They had no other choice and Minhyuk could feel himself scowling at the ladies running around badmouthing his hyung. The older man's face was flushed pink, already mortified by the entire incident, he didn't need those around him telling him that it was his fault for a wardrobe malfunction that was beyond his control.

"He hasn't gained weight!" Kihyun's voice pulled Minhyuk from his thoughts. The pink haired vocalist had one of the stylists cornered, "That material had no give. What were you expecting?"

"We took measurements weeks ago," the woman in charge retorted with a roll of her eyes, "Not our fault if he filled them in too much."

Kihyun's lips pulled into an ugly sneer, "You-!"

"Hey!" Minhyuk was quick to take hold of the vocalist's arm, pulling him away before the swears could start flying, "Come on, let's go."

"What she said was bullshit!" the pink haired man hissed, trying to keep his voice low, allowing himself to be led down a quieter corridor.

"I know, but we can't cause a scene here," Minhyuk said as he pulled the vocalist toward their rest area.

He could already spot Hoseok's blue tinged hair from where he was. He wanted to smile, but the look on the older man's face, distant and closed off, made his chest constrict. _Shit._

-

"Where's Hoseok?" Hyunwoo voice asked.

Minhyuk barely looked up from his game, "He said he was heading to the gym a while ago."

"Oh." the leader sounded surprised, which made the younger man pause on his level and glance over.

"Something wrong?"

"We were supposed to go together, that's all," Hyunwoo scratched the back of his head before letting out a sigh, "Guess I'll just meet him there."

And as the door closed with the older man's departure, Minhyuk couldn't help but wonder if this meant what he had been dreading - that the terrible cycle of exercising, dieting, and self loathing was starting all over again.

-

At first, everything seemed normal, but as the days wore on, Minhyuk found himself becoming more and more concerned as he saw the portions on Hoseok's plate get smaller and smaller. Eventually, the older man was skipping meals with them all together, always with an excuse of being busy - needing to practice more, wanting to hit the gym one more time before they go to their fitting, having to get in just a few more miles to reach his running goal, the list went on and on.

Minhyuk tried to get back onto Hoseok's side, tried to latch back on as he did before, but it was as if the other was shutting him out. However easily he had been able to be there for the older man previously, he was now met with a wall he could no longer scale.

It worried him immensely and he could see the way the others were looking at Hoseok as well, their concern written plainly across their features. But no one knew what to do when Hoseok just wouldn't let them in.

-

"A protein shake isn't a meal!" Kihyun was shouting, sounding exasperated.

Minhyuk peeked over his handheld console, trying to see what was happening, but all he could hear were the voices coming from the kitchen, the partition separating him from the scene that was unfolding.

"It has enough calories in it to be considered breakfast," came Hoseok's easy answer, so casual, as if he had practiced it a thousand times.

"It's not enough."

"It's fine!"

"Says who?"

"I'm not having this conversation."

"Hoseok!"

The older man came rushing out of the kitchen, grabbing his bag as he went, before heading out the door, slamming it so hard Minhyuk startled in his seat. Kihyun stood in the hall, just staring at the closed door, and Minhyuk couldn't decipher the look on his face.

"Smooth," the dark haired man said, trying to break the silence.

And the vocalist only glared at him before stalking away.

-

Minhyuk hated seeing the way Hoseok's clothes slowly began to look looser on his frame. He hated the way Hoseok's features began to sharpen. He hated when he would wrap his arms around the older man's waist and feel the way that layer of muscle the other had worked so hard for was slowly disappearing, prompting the stylists to _praise_ him for his hard work and _better_ build.

He tried to endure it, tried to take it all in stride as he tried to do everything he could to try and change Hoseok's mind about his ridiculous dieting restrictions and work out schedule - including all of the innumerable supplements and vitamins he would take - but nothing seemed to work. He could feel his usual cheerful act cracking. Every failed attempt was constantly nudging him toward the edge, pushing him every closer to simply just grabbing the older man by the shoulders to try and shake some sense into him.

But as much as each failure chipped away at his resolve, he pushed on. He kept throwing out compliments when he could. He kept whispering reassurances when he got a moment alone with Hoseok. He would reach out and place a gentle touch to the other's back, his shoulder, his fingertips - for just a quick moment of warmth, of assurance - every moment he had a chance.

He couldn't tell if his efforts were doing any good, Hoseok's expression having become harder to read, but he hoped that a part of his message got across.

-

Hoseok was pressed up against Minhyuk, giggling as he nosed at the younger man's cheek. The younger man felt a shiver travel down his spine, feeling the blonde suddenly blow a puff of air against his ear. He wanted to retaliate, to tell the older man to act his age, but the alcohol in his system was making the teasing more bearable than usual.

And, honestly, it felt too cozy for him to even want to move. It felt good to finally have the other so close again.

"Minnie," Hoseok pressed his forehead against the younger's temple, sounding a little dazed.

"Hm?" the younger man turned as much as he could and the sight before him made him feel a goofy smile pulling at his features - because Hoseok's face was flushed and he was grinning, looking content.

"I think I'm drunk."

"Lightweight."

"Shut up."

They dissolved into giggles, unable to keep themselves from being loud, but Minhyuk wasn't worried. It was still relatively early and the dorm was empty aside from them. How booze had gotten involved, he wasn't quite sure, but he knew he had had no objections when they started drinking, trying to catch up on some anime they had been missing due to their schedule.

As their laughter started to die, Hoseok sighed, wrapping his arms around Minhyuk's waist and the younger man let him. Minhyuk didn't mind that the elder was being clingy, especially since recently it seemed as if Hoseok had been doing all he could to keep distance between everyone. It was nice to feel the warmth of his hyung against him, allowing them to slip back into the comfort that they had with one another.

"Thank you," Hoseok suddenly whispered, causing Minhyuk to pause midway in his attempt to take another sip of his beer.

"Hyung?"

"Thanks for being there for me."

"You don't have to thank me for anything."

"Then I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Cause I'm not good enough."

"Hoseok, don't," Minhyuk's tone was a warning, "You shouldn't say things like-"

"Shush!" the older man retorted, nose crinkling in discontent as he tightened his hold around the other. The younger man fell silent and Hoseok sighed, sounding almost content, "Just hold me."

And Minhyuk didn't argue.

-

When Minhyuk entered the kitchen, he was surprised to see Hoseok sitting at the table with the others, eating a good sized portion of rice and eggs, topped with various vegetables that Kihyun had cooked up. The blonde was even smiling around a mouthful of food as he reached out with his chopsticks to try and poke Changkyun's cheek.

"Ahhh!" the maknae let out a cry of exaggerated despair as he scooted further away from the table, clutching his bowl to his chest, glaring at Hoseok.

Minhyuk chose to not ask questions as he took his place at the table. Kihyun quickly pushed a bowl into his hand and disappeared before he could even thank the pink haired vocalist. With a shrug, he began eating, taking a glance at Hoseok every so often, trying to figure out what was different.

Eating in silence, he contemplated, bur before he could get too far into his own thoughts, Hoseok nudged him to get his attention.

"Thanks," the blonde smiled.

"You're welcome?" Minhyuk furrowed his brows, not understanding.

Before he could ask, the others started to filter into the room and the noise of their conversation overtook whatever moment it was that the two of them had.

-

There were more words being exchanged between them and Hoseok, who seemed to have found his voice again. There were more touches, the familiar closeness that the blonde liked to have with the other members. And as time wore on, things started to feel normal again, slowly slipping back into routine.

But Minhyuk could see that there was still something in Hoseok's eyes, unspoken, hiding underneath everything. He could see it in the way the older man would finch at certain words of criticism, hear it in the way the blonde spoke about himself, felt it in the way that Hoseok's fingers would clutch his just a little too tight at times.

The cycle had come full circle.

The cycle was in motion once more, but Minhyuk told himself to not dread the dark days he knew would come, whether they be near or far, because seeing Hoseok happy, content, and comfortable in his own skin was worth savoring. It had been such a long time since the older man had bragged about himself, said anything good at all about his own figure, that it was a breath of fresh air.

Minhyuk knew that there wasn't anything he could do to stop the self doubt, the absolute drop in self esteem when - if - the moment were to arise. He only knew that he could ready himself to be there for Hoseok, stay by his side as he had been doing.

For the moment, he throw his arms around Hoseok, holding on tight as he enjoyed the sound of his hyung laughing with glee.


End file.
